Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
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“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
Venn