The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
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Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
[mailman delivering package to hospital]
DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered
MAILMAN: please stop saying that
Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
😂😂😂
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am