Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
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I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
This is so me 😂😂
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
Choose your fighter
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.