3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
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Maybe jesus needs me in his life
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”