One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
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Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
Why am I like this?
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
me, after any kind of buffet.
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:
• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It AllPlease let me know if there are any more.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.