I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
You Might Also Like
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
inventing words: clothing
Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*
Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”
7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”
Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”
7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
Love this one 😂🧟
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides