*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
You Might Also Like
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
me: dating is hard
me on a date: wouldn’t the koolaid man be full of sheetrock since he busts through walls without a lid
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”
Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels