Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
You Might Also Like
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.