Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
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Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
79.
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”
My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.