Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
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Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
Hey Fugeddaboutit
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
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Me: Same
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.