2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
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Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt
bf: ur what
me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok
bf: the what
me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—
bf: wh—
me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”