I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
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You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
Him: A nap? Really?
Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.
Him:
Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.
Him: Guess they like pizza, too.
Me: What do you have against wolves?
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
Looking at you, Jesus.
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
*pronounces fake like saké*
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.