Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
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“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
#JohnTravolta
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.