I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
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Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
[first date]
ME: How do you spend your free time?
HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?
ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning