*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
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My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
that wasn’t the question
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt
bf: ur what
me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok
bf: the what
me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—
bf: wh—
me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks