I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
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“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.
What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?
judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
I’m not sure what everyone at my coworking space does for work, but I’m pretty sure one guy’s job is chewing.
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
▣ No
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero