Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
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Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
My brain is a bad influence on me
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken