“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
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The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
Why soy sad?
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
Spring cleaning checklist…
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
Before crowbars crows drank alone
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.