Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
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This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party