You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
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Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
Me quickly texting my 80-something-year-old dad about his 80-something-year-old friend.
‘Hi, dad, just had a lovely chat with your friend, Paul!’
Realising later that I’d actually texted, ‘Hi, dad, just had a love child with your friend, Paul!’
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.
Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.
*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want oneMy ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
“I’m helping” 😅
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.