I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
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i saw a single tiktok in which a woman mispronounced gnocchi “yonkees” and unfortunately for everyone in my life i am going to say it that way forever now.
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
War & Peace
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM