Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
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Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.