Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
You Might Also Like
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
Every house has this drawer
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?