ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
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We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –Me, the day after the office Christmas party.
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.