Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
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If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
That took me a moment.
[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
Ladies, if he’s
– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber doorHe’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
[Texts to 14]
Hey
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[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding. Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with “Welcome back everyone”?
Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.