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Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
Follow me for more life hacks.
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.