My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
You Might Also Like
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
Me My dog
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
[pulled over]
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.