Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
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for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
Going into Monday like
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
[field sobriety test]
cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop
flamingo: oh hell yeah
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.