You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
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my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
what’s more important?
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
My Dad’s TV exploded, sparks and smoke, the whole 9 yards. I of course used this as an opportunity to tell him if took better care of his things and didn’t watch rubbish, none of this would have happened.
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
Ha
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharpKid: what if I feel salient instead?
Me: just be on time
Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated
Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?
Kid: indubitably