I’ve seen:
•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo DragonsBut nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.
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[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.
just gave your address to some spiders
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
I’d love this…lol
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen
also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign
also also me: you can both be right!
fourth me: you guys talk too much
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it