ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
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Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
If you love someone, let them sleep.
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.