They did not think through this water fountain
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snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”
[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”