Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
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Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Painted a big H in my garden to see if I can trap a helicopter. Wish me luck!
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened