Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
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My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
guys i’ve cracked the code
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.