Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
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Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
why isn’t thunder called soundning
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
Chip bags should be clear, show me what you want me to pay $6 for, cowards.
cat vs inanimate object
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
Admin smashed it 😂
*praying for world peace*
God:
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
Me, as a cicada: Guys we all have to stop talking at the same time.
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.