I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
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Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.