Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
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Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”
The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
me: dating is hard
me on a date: wouldn’t the koolaid man be full of sheetrock since he busts through walls without a lid
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?