They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.
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Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?
Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea