ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
You Might Also Like
*3.5 thank you very much.
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.