i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft
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Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”
Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
Passed by a old school Math example today.
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.