I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
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Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
Doug is just Canadian for dog
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.