Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
You Might Also Like
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
started wrapping my pills in cheese
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
The Birdles
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks