interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
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[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
Great game to play with friends
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
Had an epiphany today.