I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
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New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?