Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
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Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
How your email finds me
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
I know