“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
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Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.