“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
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If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.
Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please