DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
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If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.