when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
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[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
Baller is short for ballerina
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
Whenever I’m asked if I have any food allergies or intolerances I answer that I should be fine as long as the secret ingredient isn’t love. Nobody has ever once been amused by this. I will never stop.
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
My ideal weight is five million dollars
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe