PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
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someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
Cat is stressing him out.
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
Hamburger Hinderer.
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
Me redecorating every room in my mind
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses